Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Love? Don't talk to me about love...

For every woman
There’s only one man
He’ll give your life meaning
Like nothing else can
For every guy
There is only one girl
And for him she’ll become
The true heart of his world

This I was taught
And this I believed
Wasted years of my life
Trying to make it real
I’ve met so many guys
Whom I thought were ‘the one’
I’ve tried so many times
My belief has now gone

For every season
The pattern must change
An ongoing cycle
Of sunshine and rain
For every liaison,
The timing is wrong
The start is too sudden
Suddenly it’s all gone.

And yet still I find myself wanting the dream... bizarre huh? Maybe someone should try an experiment along the lines of 'the truman show' Bring up a bunch of kids without any knowledge of societys ideals regarding love and marriage... what would they turn out like? How would this be possible? Lets face it - everything we do is ultimately geared towards finding a mate, settling down and raising at least one or two ankle biters.
Hmmm... perhaps I should think on this some more and post to my main blog... we shall see.

People, time and nature

Elements of being

Falling iridescence
a waterfall of mist
reaching out with both hands
trying to catch natures kiss
fire burning brightly
like a living jewel
ravenously hungry
how can beauty be so cruel?
wander through the seasons
living day to day
savoring each moment
as it swiftly flies away

Survival

Leave those shattered dreams behind you
Walk into an open sky
Leave behind what could remind you
Learn to live another lie

Taking on the future
Never looking back
Sundering the ties that bind you
Walk along an open track

Moving on complete with hindsight
Kiss your hopes and fears goodbye
Wondering about tomorrow
Yesterday deserved to die

Taking on the future
Surrendering the past
Sundering the ties that bind you
Knowing nothing ever lasts.

Common people

Working to pay for the drugs and the drink
Spend your life in a haze so you don’t have to think
About love, life, sobriety’s intrusion
Today we exist in a state of confusion
No longer looking, pretending we do -
Of course I don’t mean me,
This applies just to you
And to him and to her
And the family next door
You drink and you breed - what’s the point anymore?
You’ll talk late at night
And have all the answers
Or go to a club
just to fight with the bouncers,
Don’t know what you want

You pretend you don’t care
Your unseen aspirations dissolve in the air
Childhood and innocence - things of the past
Life is a race and you’re coming in last.
Sometimes I wonder just where we went wrong
Why is there no one who feel they belong
To the life that they lead or the people they know
Smoking or drinking some more alcohol
Maybe using a needle or snorting a pill
The whole worlds gone crazy,
I’ve just had my fill
Of people complaining, yet I do it too
But this doesn’t mean
I’m anything like you
There’s a reason for living
Or so I’ve been told
That doesn’t revolve around cashing the dole,
Develop some morals
- Learn common sense
Ignorance isn’t a valid defence
Just stop, look; take in what’s around
For once actually listen,
Don’t just register sound.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Idle thoughts...

Death to Club Trop

My image of choice - for the moment at least,
is torching my work before dancing in glee
its not really arson, its more.. self defence
I'm claiming my evenings and weekends again
give me a blowtorch - those curtains must go
this shouldnt take long, i'll just set it on low
then head for the bar still admiring the flames
inventing excuses to write on the claims
I'll take home the brandy - its too good to waste
sometimes its a crime to be burdened with taste
I'll tear down the posters - they'll help the place burn
Guilty? Not I!
Note the face of concern...
Think of the favour I'm doing the public
no more crap bands playing trite dodgy music
the venue's infested with roaches and rats
and management... dont get me started on that
I'm doing a service - no-one can condemn me
as I lay to rest manchester academy.

...The things you do during a quiet moment on a crap student night eh?!

Recovering

Sitting 'neath the broken boughs
safe if gravity allows
suspension of my hopes and fears
reflecting on the passing years
look above and see the sky
my mind is vacant - I wont cry
no point asking what went wrong
just pack it up and move along.

The Net

Don’t need no man to make me smile
Don’t need much cash to play
I’ve found the thing that heals my heart
That takes my cares and woes away

Skipping meals and losing sleep
No need to be concerned
Online I’ve friends I’ll never meet
At least to them I‘ll always turn

Playing with the world wide web
I find more things each day
Who cares about the world outside
Its fun in here I want to stay

Sensible erection
And other sites unnamed
Everybody knows them
But we hide the files and pass the blame

B3ta and Blogger,
Weebl-stuff and more
I’ve weird sites by the dozen
And art sites by the score

Pretty pics and wondrous tales
With Google as the key
A portal to the life I love
Safe in this virtual reality

(yeah, I know the last bit doesn't 'feel' right, but I'll sort it one day - feeling a bit too brain dead right now, it'll have to suffice)

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Waxing Lyrical

Ok, I've done some very different things musically, this first offering is in the dance genre - It was written by an amazingly talented guy called Joe Thomas (currently residing in Leeds) and I wrote the lyrics for him, we never got around to recording it though which is a shame - pure crapness on my part as I'm sadly lacking in transport - I think I may have to give him a bell very soon...

Anyhow, this was a rather 'dirty' ambiant trance type track, very eerie...

All of my life I’ve been moving around
Aimlessly searching
For something that cant be found

So many times I thought you were the one
Blindly assuming
That my moving days were done

Looking back over the years
All the things I could have done
Seems like all that time is wasted now
What have I become?

We need to step outside time and space
Hopeful and dreaming
Gotta find a better place

At the dark side of the moon
Where the sun has yet to shine
There’s a place where we can run together
- just you and I

*grin* take a wild guess which lines he'd picked out as the vocal padding?

This second was very different, I was in a rock/ metal band called 'Fisted' as you can imagine, the idea was to be very provocative - please forgive me but I was in college at the time, I realise this may be a little harsh for some people but it turned out as a great song.

The Wonder Years

7 years old
No stranger to lust
My fresh young body
No longer untouched

Left all alone
Then your large hands came probing
To young to realise
Yet still consumed with loathing

Was it my fault?
Was it something I did?
The way I fought so hard
Only fuelled your perverse kick

There was no way out
I didn’t know what to do
I couldn’t tell my mother
‘cause my mother loved you

Another of the 'Fisted' tunes we played that was not quite as harsh, was in fact quite 'bouncy' despite the raw squealing guitars:

Risen

If you could match up to your ego
You'd be my kind of man

But your confidence is misplaced
It shows how shallow you really are

I need a man with some substance
I need those depths to plumb

That's the way it is

Show me some sense of feeling
Some kind of thought inside your head

Prove to me that there's a reason
To take this further than it already is

I need a man to stir my senses
To make me have to think

That's the way it is

My sights have risen
Will you surprise me?
Is there more to you than this
My sights have risen
You can't deny me

That's the way it is
That's the way it is

This band was in fact only thrown together in approximately 1-2 weeks, we were approached by our tutor who needed a 4th band for a showcase night, What really made us laugh - and I mean LAUGH was the fact that the following week we were featured in an issue of Kerraang! (actually, when I say 'featured' what I really mean is, we'd been reviewed) We got a full 3 fists and the tag 'ones to watch' sadly, we didn't really do much after that, it had been thrown together as a bit of fun - even the name had been a joke - we wanted to see if the tutors would allow us to use it.
But lets just say the covers of 'king nothing' by Metallica and 'weak' by Skunk Anansie went down very well.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Joy of the dancer

Warmth and inhibition
Unaware of what's around
Coloured lights and music
It's more than merely sound

I find a joy in dancing
In singing there's release
Alone while I'm surrounded
Transported by the beat

Free within the moment
Uncaring of the crowd
I've found my own Nirvana
Inner peace and loss of doubt.

This I sent to Claire when she was after some inspiration for a 'happy tune' She's too good though, within an hour and a half she'd sent back a rough outline of an AMAZING funky track, we messed with the lyrics some more to come up with this:

Free within the moment
Uncaring of the crowd
Coloured lights and music
It’s more than merely sound
I find a joy in dancing
Excited by the beat
Alone while I’m surrounded
Transported by the beat.

Crazy sensations, gives me such a thrill
I look around to see what’s going down
Moving bodies the rhythms what they feel
A joyous dance creation all around

Spinning in infinity
Losing track of time
Feel the joy of the dancer
Caught inside the beat that’s playing
Join the rhythmic vibe sublime
Feel the joy of the dancer
Free from inhibition
Im spinning round and round
Ive found my own nirvana
My spirit washed in sound
I find a joy in dancing
Its like nothing else
No fears or worries
Just enjoying myself

Crazy sensations, gives me such a thrill
I look around to see what’s going down
Moving bodies the rhythms what they feel
A joyous dance creation all around

Spinning in infinity
Losing track of time
Feel the joy of the dancer
Caught inside the beat that’s playing
Join the rhythmic vibe sublime
Feel the joy of the dancer
Caught inside the beat that’s playing
Cant believe this girl is me
Lost in a haze of music
Never felt so free
Feel the vibrations on the floor
Move your body and your feet
And let your spirit soar
The joy of the dancer

Free within the moment
Uncaring of the crowd
Coloured lights and music
It’s more than merely sound
Free from inhibition
Im spinning round and round
Ive found my own nirvana
My spirit washed in sound
(and chorus again)

If I could figure out how to stick an mp3 on here I'd let you hear it, sadly it's not quite finished yet, but she assures me that one day she'll get there with it.


Thursday, December 02, 2004

Human Nature

Life is always unforgiving
This is nature tooth and claw
Love is never everlasting
With what you have you still want more

Doing right is never easy
Always there’s a price to pay
Doing wrong is always dearer
Yet it seems less hard that way

Sometimes it seems really hard
I know, you see, I’ve been there too
You need to always fight temptation
To yourself you must be true

Ask yourself what’s going on
Just take another look around
Think to yourself “just what’s so different"
Maybe you should slow things down.


Bunny Boiler

[The bubble’s burst, the poison flows
Flay him with your vitriol
If words won’t make the hurt subside
Only blood will satisfy]

Enter the hidden, the dark in your mind
Watch as your reason begins to unwind
Picture the torment you ache to inflict
Step over the edge and dive in the abyss

Found dead in his bathroom
No one could explain
Who strung him so high
That his blood fell like rain

You smile to yourself
And remember his fear
He begged and he cried
But you ended his tears

And still it's not over
You’ve found out her name
Its high time you taught her
Love isn’t a game.


Bunny Boiler was also titled 'a woman scorned' It was written for a band idea I had just before Incubus became big over here.
The idea was for an all girl band (who played instruments) called Tempra-Mental (debut album was going to be called 'Time of the month' or 'Birds of Prey)
My mate Tim, a graphic designer had worked up some lovely band logo's for us - very crystalline and easily transformed into merchandisable jewelry etc.
The plan was to have a singer/ rapper combo with a dj/ keyboard player, drummer, bass guitarist and a rhythm and lead guitarist. And look - not a year after I had all this starting up, out came Linkin Park. Metal wannabe westlife gits.
I was gutted. The drummer had pissed off back to Devon (it's hard enough getting a decent drummer as it is without expecting them to be female as well) My co-singer had started a rather nasty drug habit - something I totally disagree with and the rhythm guitarist decided to feck off to Mexico and fall in love with her online gf before swanning off to Spain to stay.
So this blog is actually named after a failed band idea that I still think would have made a KILLING.
We'd even planned out the first scandal *grin* I had the whole thing charted out. We even thought it'd be a cool idea to hand out raffle tickets to people as they were coming in to a gig, the idea being that for the encore - instead of doing another couple of songs, we'd do a pick out 5 people at random using the tickets and they'd be up on stage with us while we did our last number before being dragged backstage to party.
Every band has a gimmick... ;o>

Bdsm/ non consensual

I've always been a little embarrassed about this one, I wrote it a few years ago for submission to Literotica this was way back before they had established various categories for the stories, I just read a few and decided to try my hand at it because to me they seemed too 'crude' and in some cases downright crass to be 'erotic' but I've realised that since everyone is different, perhaps I should have been less judgmental.
This is my only foray into 'eroticism' when I read it back now, it seems I obviously tried too hard and it's lacking a fair bit, but someone may enjoy it.

Dreaming

I've been dreaming for a while, Your thick fingers reached out for me - even the size of your hands couldn’t encompass one of my breasts.You laughed at that.
I remember flinching in expectancy of being roughly fondled - instead your touch aroused me as no one else had managed before. My inner thigh slowly becoming damp and my moans gradually escaping - I wasn’t even aware of it at the time, I used to pride myself on how quiet I was before I met you.
I can feel myself becoming warm now at the memory - a kaleidoscope of images moving too fast for me to capture on this page, the taste, smell and texture of you, all haunting me.

You broke into my house and tied me to the bed while I slept.
It was a delicious kind of fear to wake up - disorienting, couldn’t see, couldn’t move - I didn’t know where you were until I felt your breath on my inner thigh a split second before that glorious tongue teased the entrance to my opening. Light flicks with just the tip before plunging in to desecrate me - you knew I wasn’t quite comfortable with this form of intimacy but you took my guilt at feeling this pleasure by using force. In my minds eye I pictured people I didn’t know watching as you took me, all waiting for their turn when you had had your fill, ignoring my pleas to be untied.
I had my first real taste of fear when you lifted me and slid beneath me - I was still on my back and I couldn’t turn over - and then I felt the second pair of hands.

The shock made me rigid. My fantasy was now a reality and I did not know who was in my room, in my bed - I knew your touch, your smell, but the other was a mystery to me.
Smile for the camera honey” the voice was smothered laughter, a hint of smugness as I began to struggle against my bonds, alternately pleading with you to set me free and questioning the identity of the other.
I could feel your arousal as I writhed against you trying to free myself.
The other hands began stroking my exposed inner thigh as you grasped my breasts in an attempt to steady me. I bucked against this intrusion - my pleas becoming more insistent, my head thrashing from side to side, rubbing against you in a vain attempt to remove the blindfold, I remember your laughter, the way you urged him to do what he wanted. I just remember relief when you qualified this with an admonition not to hurt me

Then I remembered the camera. I had allowed you to set it up the night before on the understanding that I could keep the film but we ended up not using it - you said the battery needed charging.

The realisation that I had been set up for this sparked another bout of struggling - this time I didn’t care if I tore my hands bloody trying to escape.
I jerked away from the feel of questing fingers and felt the pain of penetration in the one opening I'd never allowed anyone. I screamed aloud and tried to lift myself up but was prevented by the hold you had on my breasts.
“"relax baby"” you breathed in my ear, I was tense and quivering, I could feel your pulsating intrusion and I whimpered. The other hands had finished their questing, they withdrew and were replaced by the touch of another mans cock. The shock distracted me from your gentle rhythm.
I started to sob a little as I heard the tear of a foil packet followed by a chuckle as he thrust deep inside me.

I could feel you both rubbing against each other inside me - the pain was being transformed into something exquisite, the orgasm, when it came, shocked me with its intensity.
There was not the usual build up and fade away - it built up, and up, and up then crashed though my system tearing though my soul and sucking the universe through my left eyeball.
I don’t know how long I hung between the stars but as I dragged myself back to consciousness I felt a little bereft.
The blindfold had finally come loose and I was still tied spread-eagled on my back, I could see the camera, its red light winking in the corner of the room. The head resting spent across my chest was dark-haired, it felt strange seeing that - used as I was to your blond one.

I closed my eyes as he moved - I didn’t want to see his face as he looked at me, it didn't matter who he was now, I just couldn’t bear to see his expression. With a small groan he lightly kissed my breasts then pulled himself away from the bed to allow you to move. “Thankyou” he said, as though I’d had a choice, then loosened my bonds - just enough to allow circulation back into my limbs. I’d managed to tighten them with my struggling. After replacing the blindfold you both left the room.

I don’t know how long you were gone, I dozed for a time. I awakened to your touch as I was untied from the bed, you took me to the bathroom and you and your friend watched as I went to the toilet - even blindfolded I could feel the weight of your stares. You tied me to the shower rail with a rope long enough for me to kneel in the stall with my hands above my head.
I then underwent the most thorough cleansing of my life.




I never had the guts to show this to more than a couple of friends before, so please be nice - I know there's nothing really wrong with it, it's just not my normal kind of thing.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Pre-wedding Jitters

I'm sitting here counting the minutes and days
a whole change of life only 1 week away
what if I'm wrong, where the hell can I run
...Better calm down, relax, he's the one.

He's smart and he's funny, considerate and kind,
but this is so big - its the rest of my life!
marry in haste and repent at your leisure,
a life time of pain for a moment of pleasure.

What was I thinking? Where was my mind?
take a deep breath, count to 10, now I'm fine.
So the hen night was pants, went the way of the pear
it wasn't an omen, I shouldn't despair

I knew right away that the timing was right
there's no logical reason for me to take flight
my very best friend is the love of my life
and nothing will stop me becoming his wife.

See, this was a poem I wrote to try and prove to both myself and my husband to be that it was all in my head, since we're now waiting on the last bit of our legal seperation in order to commence divorce proceedings...

The song that Trisha helped me write for the wedding itself... well - it sounds better than it reads is all I can say to that:

Song for Stu

It never snows around here
All we get is rain
Its been a while since the sun shone down
But despite all this
When you’re around
It’s always bright

It always seems to be cold
Money's always tight
Can’t remember when we last went out
But despite all this
When you’re around
I always smile

All those stupid guys I dated
In their arms I felt alone
All those hours that I wasted
Thinking that I was in love
I would be lost if I didn’t have you...
Why is that so hard to see?

It sometimes takes a long time
But it’s worth the wait
We still argue and I still complain
But despite all this
‘Cause you’re around
It’s all ok.


My Story

If I should write my story
In a million years or more
Would anyone believe me?
Whoever would I write it for?
See there’s a reason why we’re put here
To amuse the dogs above
And no, that’s not a spelling error
It’s an expression of disgust.

Why?
Is the easiest question to ask another.
Why?
Is the first word that I learned
Why?
Is the first thing people say when something happens
That they feel they don’t deserve.

If I should write my story
Do you think anyone would care?
Would it make me a pile of money?
Or should I leave the pages bare?
‘Cause there are too many people to hurt
With the things that should never be told
A clear conscience is dearer to me
Than silver or gold

If I should write my story
What could I say to all my friends?
Thank you all, I love you so much
But good things always have to
End.

Aftermath

Sometimes its hard to figure out
just what these games are all about
I try so hard to carry on
but heartbreak wont leave me alone
I almost wish that you had died
so I could carry on,
believing that you loved me still
instead your love has gone

in sleep you're still a part of me
on waking I'm alone
although my eyes are dry again
my grief will never go
every waking thought of you I suppress
yet you invade my sleep and disturb my rest
memories come crystal clear
all that passed,
when you were here.

Trepidation

Though the night is nearly over, my eyes are open wide
I'm sitting by the window gazing at the rain outside
as I'm sitting by my window knowing sleep will never come
I'm wondering what's out there, within the coming months

My old life now is over, the new has not yet begun
tonight no sleep approaches and I wonder what's to come
I'm nervous if the truth be known, of shadows and half formed thought
the future is a blank page while the past is dead and gone

Everything is changing, too tenuous to grasp
am I planning for the future? Or chasing shadows of the past?
though I'm tired and I'm aching, I know sleep's not gonna come
as I'm sitting by the window waiting for the rising sun

A bloke called Dave

If you could match up to your ego, you would be my kind of man

You’re reasoning about yourself I'll never understand

Your irritating self-esteem, your patronizing smirks

Believing you're incredible is not enough to work

There's a never-ending surplus of your aggravating pride

There are places you can't go because your head won't fit inside

You have knowledge and experience that's too good to be true

In your eyes there's no one who could quite match up to you

There's nothing you can't talk about and nothing you can't do

If you're not the best you know who is 'cause they're all your mates too

You've lived a life of wealth and ease and never had to worry

Just wait until the real world hits, you'll grow up in a hurry


Everyone who knows me knows who this was about.
Wanker.

once upon a time
I walked the streets
in the deep of night
alone
yet I could feel
your arms around me
keeping me from harm
an invisible force
surrounding my form
as I traversed the darkness
alone
I could feel your love
like a blanket
it kept me warm
soothed all of my thoughts
as I strolled
alone.

Tamsyn Luke

Am I crying because its expected?
or do I really feel this grief?
How can they think they know how im feeling?
when they dont know whats underneath.

Its strange the way you think you know someone -
but then you barely know them at all,
We shared so much we knew each other well
...but that was all so long ago.

we grew up and then we grew apart
I should've kept much more in touch!
There's surely something more I could've done
I guess I didnt care enough...

I didnt know you were in hospital -
I havent seen you now for years.
I dont want to see you like this now,
a wooden cask obscured by tears.


Tamsyn was my best friend in school, juniors and seniors...
I ran away from home when I was about 9 or so, I had just had a fight with my brother - another one, and mum had sent us both to bed, grounded. I was indignant because HE started it, and it meant I couldn’t watch the film we'd been promised that was on TV… some science fiction thing, even then I liked that kind of stuff.
After sulking in my room and feeling much abused and hard done by I decided I'd had enough - a neighbour, Dianne, had come round to visit mum and I could hear them talking and laughing.

I put my trainers on (the pink ones with the velcro fastening) and stood on my bed looking out of my bedroom window, Ricky McCormick who was my age and lived dead opposite had told me about his cousins jumping out of their window when they'd been grounded, I decided I could do it too. I managed to lower myself onto the porch... the whole time I was glancing around nervously expecting to be seen and grassed on, but for once the road was clear - it was an incredibly sunny day - the kind you hear about now but think of as a figment of your imagination (in manchester anyhow) and suddenly the drop looked too far, I tried to climb back up into my room but couldn’t.
I was stuck.
All I could think of was the trouble I'd be in if I was found like this, so steeling myself, I jumped, trying to aim for the grass and hoping the curtains were still closed in the front room to shield the TV from the sun, my luck on that front held, was not so good on the other though - I landed awkwardly and cried out in pain then curled in a ball hoping no-one had seen or heard me...

I then limped across the main road (forbidden territory) to my best friends house.
After lying convincingly to Maureen (Tamsyns mum) that my mum had walked me just up to the bollards separating her estate from the main road (you could just see their drive from there) Tamsyn and I went into the den to watch the film my brother had stopped me from seeing (at least that’s how my mind saw it) afterwards we went out to our secret hidey and I told Tam everything and said I was never going back - we made a plan, I was going to stay for tea then when everyone had gone to bed, I'd be let into the house by Tam and she'd sneak me into their loft - it was a converted one that we had spent many an afternoon playing games and talking about nothing in - as well as reading the books we sneaked from her older brothers room (my older cousin, Lorraine, was in the same year as him and when she babysat for us we'd tease her unmercifully claiming she fancied him...)

About 2 hours later I was starting to feel guilty and decided I wanted to go home and try to sneak back into the house before mum noticed I'd gone.
We crossed the road again - I was still limping and in great pain when I saw Edna and Dianne (our next door neighbours) walking towards us, we hid behind a car and snuck around the back so they wouldn’t see us, sadly Edna caught sight of me and shouted, Tamsyn hid and Edna grabbed me and shook me all the while shouting that my "poor mother was worried sick and what did I think I'd been doing" etc. etc. etc.

By this point the whole neighbourhood knew I'd been found (it turned out mum had decided that we could watch the film after all, she'd gone to tell Richard who'd cried himself to sleep then when she came to get me, found my room empty and the window wide open, the entire neighbourhood had turned out to comb the area for me - no one thought I'd be brave enough to cross the busy main road) I remember being dragged up to my room being soundly beaten and put to bed.
I shouted through the door that she'd always hated me and buried my head under my pillows and then cried myself to sleep. I was taken to the Doctors the next day because my foot had swollen to about 3 times its natural size, I had a hairline fracture right the way across. It still bothers me now. For weeks after that I avoided Tamsyn - I still don’t know why, shame possibly - she finally cornered me and asked if I was upset with her for being caught, we made friends and did everything together again for a while.

Sadly we lost touch when we were at college - through a boy. she'd always fancied my first boyfriend and never tried to hide this from me - I always felt she liked him more than I did but it hurt that he used to call her a slag and all sorts - I have this habit of worshipping my closest friends and it was hard being in the middle.
Anyway - long story short, he and I split up, he asked her out. my mum took great offense to this and basically made it so uncomfortable for Tamsyn that she stopped coming round and I stopped going round to hers.

She went off the rails and left Daventry when they split up, a few years later I moved to Manchester.

I was living with my dad and attending college (performing arts) Mum called me up when I got home from a rehearsal... Dad had already warned me she'd rang 3 times previously so I was prepared to deal with her, (at the time I had many 'issues') what I wasn’t prepared for was the blunt "Vicky - Tamsyns dead" I got when I answered the phone. apparently all the blood drained from my face and I dropped the receiver as I sank to the floor, praying I hadn’t heard her correctly... I managed to get myself together enough to pick the phone up again - Eileen (my step-mum) had jumped up to try and catch me as I fell and she was making all kinds of sympathetic noises while my mum explained that Tamsyn had come home after the new years eve drinking session and had felt ill so had taken paracetamol, she took some more when she got up because she hadn’t felt any better - then got rushed to hospital when she collapsed. apparently it was liver failure.
I went back to Daventry for the funeral - I think dad paid the fare for me, and I was just disgusted that my mum planned to accompany me there - In my irrational state of mind, I felt that Tamsyn and I had lost touch in the first place because of the way 'mommy dearest' had treated her.

Anyway, we get there – I’m wracked with grief just like everyone else, We stayed a bit back from the family and watched the coffin buried... as Maureen walked past she saw me and stopped to give me a big hug, we both started crying and she begged me to go back to the house for a private family wake. I said goodbye to my friends and joined everyone at the Luke house, only to discover I was literally the only non family member there.

Maureen took me upstairs to show me Tams room, on the wall by the bed, just underneath the hundred or so photographs she had pinned to the wall was a scrap of paper I'd completely forgotten about - in my handwriting was the date, the place, and the words "this should be worth a fortune when I’m famous... for my bestest friend Tamsyn Luke" and I'd even signed it... she wanted me to know that Tam did still think of me as a friend despite the whole Steve fiasco. We had a cry and a laugh, reminisced about all kinds of things - the abortive running away from home for one… then we went back downstairs, where I was treated by everyone as though I were a member of the family and it dawned on me just how much of my childhood had been spent with them, I'd even gone on visits to the branch in Cannock - they all remembered me and we spent time reminding each other of various exploits... I didn’t want to go home.

In true Luke family tradition the wake became a party - much drunken singing - many tears but almost equal amounts of laughter... everything seemed changed when I got back to Manchester.
I hadn’t seen Tamsyn for the best part of 2 years, but I missed her - so badly, I still do now sometimes... it sounds stupid but I sometimes write her letters and I talk to her, like we used to - I especially missed her when I split up with Ian, he was a little like Steve, only in looks but that was enough to remind me of her and the things we missed out on sharing.


Sheesh... and this was just going to be a poetryfest. Hmmm... seems some of them will get a story to explain, but it's my blog so... just click that lovely lil back button if you can't take it.

In the beginning...

Rightio... it's another Vicky blog, but this one is slightly different.
This is where I shall put all of my poetry, prose and lyrics. Some of them have been 'published' online and off already (lets all curse poetry.com now shall we, loud and clear please...) But whether they've been seen before or not, this is the first time I've gotten around to putting them all together in one place.
Lets just rest assured, everything you read on this page is mine (unless otherwise stated) and no matter how new or old it is, I have no problem with others making use of it - as long as I get full credit for writing (and in the unlikely event anything comes of it - full monetary compensation *grin* It is all backed up and timestamped in various formats, I just want to consolidate it all, so be warned, I can prove it's my shit.)

Doing this also means I have another template to fuck around with - gotta love the geek in me...